The Diary of George
by Pjazz
Summary: George's attempt to write a diary ends in disaster. Elaine meets a man who breaks the 'code'. Jerry and Kramer fall foul of the Library Cop.


THE DIARY OF GEORGE  
  
A SEINFELD FANFIC BY PJAZZ  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You're writing a diary? How long has this been going on?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Coupla weeks. I saw a tv show about an English guy who kept a diary hundreds of years ago - Samuel Pep-pys.  
  
JERRY  
  
Peeps. Pepys is pronounced Peeps.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Whatever. The point is people are still fascinated by his life four hundred years later.  
  
JERRY  
  
And you think people are gonna read about George Costanza in the 25th century?  
  
ELAINE LAUGHS  
  
GEORGE  
  
And what's so funny about that, Elaine?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Nothing. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry. But Samuel Pepys was an English gentleman who enjoyed art,fine wines, consorted with gentry, a well travelled bon vivant who had many mistresses. You're...  
  
JERRY  
  
George.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Exactly. (LAUGHS)  
  
GEORGE  
  
I am all those things and more.  
  
JERRY  
  
So your diary's fiction?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Funny. Funny guy.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Where was the last place you travelled to?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Coney Island. With Jerry, last weekend. I had the double fudge sundae.  
  
JERRY  
  
And threw up on the carousel.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It was going round too fast. I complained. Didn't I complain?  
  
JERRY  
  
Vociferously.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh the 25th century's gonna love reading about you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
This is my shot at posterity, I'll thank you both not to mock.  
  
JERRY  
  
Posterity?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Let's face it, I'm never gonna have kids. This way the Costanza name will ring down the centuries. My diary, my life in print, is my gift to the future.  
  
JERRY  
  
Be sure and leave a receipt, Georgie boy, the future might want a refund.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Go ahead. Laugh all you want. It's all going in my diary. The future will ridicule your naysaying.  
  
JERRY  
  
Naysaying? I'm a naysayer? I kinda see myself as more pooh-poohing. I'm a pooh-pooher.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Mebbe it's not so dumb. Look at Anne Frank.  
  
JERRY  
  
The Diary of Anne Frank. Great book. Hid away in an attic for years during the war.  
  
ELAINE  
  
All the Nazi's and Gestapo and crazies out to get her. So brave.  
  
JERRY  
  
I tell ya, if I was cooped up in an attic that long with George for company I think I'd take my chances with the Nazi's.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It so happens I have my diary with me. I take it everyplace I go. (READS FROM DIARY) 'Tuesday. Woke up. Ate 4 bagels for breakfast.With jelly. Found I'd forgotten to do a wash, so lounged around in my underwear. Went out to buy the Daily News.'  
  
JERRY  
  
In your underwear?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well obviously I put pants on.  
  
ELAINE  
  
It doesn't sound like that.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I think it's a given I put pants on to go out, Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Alright. If you say so.  
  
GEORGE  
  
May I continue?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Knock yourself out.  
  
GEORGE  
  
'Went round to the comedian Jerry Seinfeld's. Helped him with his act.'  
  
JERRY  
  
Wait a minute, I remember now. I asked you what tie went best with my suit. You said blue. I went with the red.How is that helping my act?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It counts.It counts. 'Elaine Benes dropped by, a short nondescript brunette.'   
  
ELAINE  
  
What?  
  
GEORGE  
  
A short non--  
  
ELAINE  
  
I heard what you said. I'm nondescript? What the hell does that mean?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It means you're somewhat lacking in the descript department..  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hey, I'm descript. If anyone's descript around here it's me. Where d'you get off calling me nondescript?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(READS) 'Elaine was grousing as usual about her lack of a man in her life. I fear out of the 4 of us she is the one destined to remain single, alone, unwanted.'  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh boy, Now I'm really mad.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm just telling it how I see it.  
  
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Greetings, caballeros!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Kramer, George called me nondescript. I'm not nondescript am I?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh no. You're a feisty little firecracker. Pop! Pop! POp!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Thank you.  
  
ELAINE TAKES A SWING AT GEORGE. HE DUCKS.  
  
JERRY  
  
George is writing a diary.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh bad idea.  
  
GEORGE  
  
How come?  
  
KRAMER  
  
My friend Bob Saccamano kept a diary. Every little detail of his life - pfffft! - right there in black and white. Then the IRS audited him. Confiscated the diary. Boom! He's doing time in Sing Sing. Tax evasion.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well the IRS nailed Al Capone.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh yeah. Bob never stood a chance.He had perfect handwriting too. They could read his diary like a book.   
  
JERRY  
  
Read his diary like a book, huh? Go figure.  
  
KRAMER  
  
The Feds complimented him on his curlecues.  
  
JERRY  
  
Curlecues?  
  
ELAINE  
  
How come we never get to meet this Bob Saccamano?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh Bob's very reclusive. He doesn't trust anyone these days.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(WRITING IN HIS DIARY) How'd you spell Saccamano?  
  
JERRY  
  
You're writing this stuff down?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh this is meat and drink, baby!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Gimme that.  
  
ELAINE MAKES A GRAB FOR THE DIARY. GEORGE DODGES AND FLEES OUT THE DOOR, ELAINE IN PURSUIT.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Elaine! This is personal private property. A momento mori!  
  
ELAINE  
  
I'll give you a momento, you moron!  
  
***  
  
INT. SUPERMARKET.  
  
ELAINE IS SHOPPING, BROWSING THE AISLES. SHE REACHES THE COFFEE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hmm. Colombian Organic Dark roast.  
  
SHE REACHES FOR THE LAST JAR. AS DOES A HANDSOME GUY. THEY'RE BOTH HOLDING THE SAME JAR.  
  
GUY  
  
Oh excuse me.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, excuse me.  
  
GUY  
  
You like Colombian Dark Roast coffee as well?  
  
ELAINE  
  
(FLIRTS) Never drink anything else. Only Colombian Dark Roast passes these lips.Haha.  
  
GUY  
  
It's the last jar.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ye-ah. Bummer.  
  
GUY  
  
Look, you have it.  
  
ELAINE  
  
(FLIRTS) No-oo, I couldn't do that. You have it.  
  
GUY  
  
No, I couldn't.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Go ahead. Take it. I'll make do. I can always - make do.  
  
GUY  
  
Okay. Thanks. Bye.   
  
HANDSOME GUY LEAVES WITHOUT EVEN A BACKWARD GLANCE.  
  
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION.  
  
***  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
And he just plucked it from my hand, Jerry. And walked out of life. And he was so-oo cute.  
  
JERRY  
  
But you let him have it. You said take it. He took it.  
  
ELAINE  
  
It was code. He broke the code.  
  
JERRY  
  
Broke the code?  
  
ELAINE  
  
When two attractive people reach for the only jar of coffee on the shelf they flirt back and forth. You have it. No, you have it. No, I insist you have it. Then, and only then, does the woman say - hey, I got an idea. Why don't we go back to my place and share the coffee?The guy says - what a great idea. They go back to her place.Coffee on the couch.One thing leads to another. Yada yada yada. What d'you want for breakfast?  
  
JERRY  
  
Ah, that code.  
  
ELAINE  
  
He broke the code.  
  
JERRY  
  
Perhaps he didn't know the code. Perhaps the code wasn't so much broken as ignored.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Then he should have read the signals.  
  
JERRY  
  
Signals? You're sending out signals now?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Sure. Single, attractive female shopping alone in a supermart. If that's not a clear signal, I don't know what is.  
  
JERRY  
  
I dunno, Elaine. Signals. Code. This is very confusing for men. We have enough trouble remembering our gym locker combo, or our ATM code, without all this other stuff.  
  
ELAINE  
  
He broke the code and ignored my signals, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
What we need is a universal code recognised by both sexes. Like hailing a taxicab. You stand on the sidewalk, stick your hand in the air and yell 'taxi!' Single available women should put their hand up and yell 'man!' at the top of their voice. Then any man interested could just swoop in.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Swoop in, huh?  
  
JERRY  
  
Swoop in. It would revolutionise dating.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ya know, Jerome, that's either the smartest idea you've ever had, or the dumbest.   
  
JERRY  
  
What could it hurt?   
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah well, anyway, I'm out one cute guy and the last jar of Colombian Organic Dark Roast.  
  
JERRY  
  
You still drinking that stuff? You do realise what 'organic' means?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Grown without pesticides.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh no. That's what they want you to believe. In reality organic means - hey, we left all the bugs in. All the grub larvae.The dirt from the fields. The stuff they normally get rid of - that's what you're tasting.It's coffee flavoured bacteria.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Baloney.  
  
JERRY  
  
And they charge you extra for it.That's the incredible thing. It's like a shoe shine boy rubbing mud on your shoes and saying 'there ya go. An organic shoe shine. 100 bucks.'  
  
***  
  
INT. PETERMANS. ELAINE'S OFFICE.  
  
JILL DROPS OFF A FOLDER.  
  
JILL  
  
The Laymon account. Mr Peterman wants it by Friday, Elaine, please.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh Jill, wait. Can I ask you a question - women know about the code, right?  
  
JILL  
  
Morse code?  
  
ELAINE  
  
If two attractive people reach for the last coffee jar in a supermarket...  
  
JILL  
  
They flirt to and fro then the woman asks him home?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Exactly. The code.  
  
JILL  
  
Yeah, I know the code.It happened to you?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No. The guy broke the code.  
  
JILL  
  
The heel. Was he short, bald and stocky?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No. Tall, slim and dreamy.  
  
JILL  
  
Nah. I like 'em short, bald and stocky. Bob Hoskins. Now there's a dreamboat.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Really? Because I happen to know someone just like that.  
  
JILL  
  
Short?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Uh huh. And stocky - with barely a hair left on his head.  
  
JILL  
  
Sounds wonderful. Is he seeing anyone? Cause men like that are one of a kind.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh don't I know it.  
  
***  
  
INT. MONK'S.  
  
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You set me up on a blind date? What gives you the right, Elaine?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Gimme me a break. I'm doing you a favour. Jill is the nearest to a sure thing you're ever gonna meet in your life. Get this - she digs short, stocky bald men.  
  
JERRY  
  
What a coincidence. George happens to be ---  
  
GEORGE  
  
I know what I am, thank you.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I booked you a table at The Ivy.  
  
JERRY  
  
Is this a new career move for you - pimping for George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah, Elaine. What's your angle?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Can't a friend do another friend a favour for the sake of friendship?  
  
JERRY  
  
No.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not a chance.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ugh. Okay, okay. Jill's my immediate superior at Petermans. She has the power to promote any colleague she thinks is worthy of advancement.  
  
JERRY  
  
George scratches her back, she scratches yours.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Quid pro quo.   
  
GEORGE  
  
The Ivy? I dunno. That's a bit pricey for my taste.  
  
ELAINE  
  
George, if I'd left the venue up to you you'd both be sharing a bucket at KFC.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well she's not getting flowers, tell her that.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ugh! Gotcha, Prince Charming. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go powder my nose.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why do women use that expression? Powder my nose? Men know full well there's no powder involved. And nothing's coming out of the nose, that's for sure.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Okay, smart guy. I'm gonna take a whizz. Happy now?  
  
ELAINE LEAVES  
  
JERRY  
  
Elaine's been kinda cranky lately.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Perhaps it's Alexander's Ragtime Band monthly concert?  
  
JERRY  
  
Perhaps.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Guess what, I embellished my diary.  
  
JERRY  
  
Embellished?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I thought my life sounded a little bland, so I jazzed that puppy up.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Jazzed that puppy up? What are you, black now?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I copied some readers letters from a porno magazine straight into my diary. Take a look.  
  
JERRY READS DIARY  
  
JERRY  
  
George, this is obscene. Absolutely disgusting.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Uh huh. I think you need to be an acrobat to pull some of that stuff off.  
  
JERRY  
  
Isn't this cheating?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Is that really an issue? Is it such a big deal? I'm a born cheater, Jerry. I come from a long line of cheaters. It's in the genes.  
  
JERRY  
  
Those are some genes you've got there, Georgie boy.  
  
GEORGE  
  
They're the worst in the world, my friend. Quick! Here comes Elaine. Hide the diary.  
  
ELAINE RETURNS.   
  
ELAINE  
  
(NOTICES TENSION) What? What's wrong with you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Nothing.  
  
JERRY  
  
Nothing's wrong with us.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Were you talking about me?  
  
JERRY  
  
Now why would we be talking about you? Isn't that a little paranoid?  
  
ELAINE  
  
I guess so. I tell ya, what with George's nondescript crack and that supermarket jerk, I'm starting to think I'm losing my sex appeal.  
  
KRAMER ARRIVES  
  
ELAINE  
  
Kramer, am I losing my sex appeal?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh no. You're a red hot tamale. Hot to trot.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Thanks, Kramer.  
  
KRAMER  
  
You're welcome. Say, any of you heading downtown? I promised Newman I'd return his library books.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm heading downtown. You can catch a ride with me.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Giddyup, buddy.  
  
JERRY  
  
I gotta be back by this afternoon. My parents flew in from Florida.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why can't Newman return his own library books?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Newman's out of town. His mother's sick.  
  
ELAINE  
  
He's visiting her?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Nope. He's out of town to avoid visiting her.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's a shock.  
  
ELAINE  
  
That Newman's a heartless creep?  
  
JERRY  
  
No, it's a shock Newman can read.  
  
***  
  
INT. NEW YORK LIBRARY.  
  
JERRY AND KRAMER APPROACH THE DESK. KRAMER REMOVES BOOKS FROM A BAG.   
  
THEY'RE FILTHY, COVERED IN FOOD STAINS.  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer, look at the state of those books! They're covered in food. That looks like pizza, congealed ravioli, spaghetti...some kind of yoghurt...I think that's anchovies.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Newman likes to eat while he's reading.  
  
JERRY  
  
What's he do - use the books as plates? Oh Newman is in big trouble.  
  
LIBRARIAN  
  
Can I help you?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah. We're returning these books for a friend.  
  
JERRY  
  
An aquaintance. A distant aquaintance.  
  
LIBRARIAN  
  
(SMEARED WITH PIZZA SAUCE) Oh dear.Yuck. This won't do at all, Mister (CHECKS COMPUTER) Mister Seinfeld.  
  
JERRY  
  
What?No, no. These are Newman's books.  
  
LIB  
  
According to the computer records these books were issued to a card belonging to a Jerry Seinfeld.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh yeah. I remember now. I loaned Newman my library card which I borrowed from---  
  
JERRY  
  
From me. This is just great, Kramer. Now it looks like I'm the one messed up the books.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Relax, Jerry. They'll just fine you. Big institution like this. Must happen all the time. Tell you what, whatever the fine is I'll pay half.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's real big of you.  
  
LIB  
  
I'm going to have to speak to my superior, Lt. Bookman. (LEAVES)  
  
JERRY  
  
Bookman? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh no, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller. Bookman's the Library cop. He hates my guts.  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
Well well, Seinfeld. I might have known. What's the deal, Maureen?  
  
LIB  
  
Defacing library books. A direct violation of New York City Public Library bylaw number---  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
6737374/756. That's a serious offence. Thank you, Maureen, I'll handle it from here.  
  
MAUREEN LEAVES  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
Nice girl. Likes to cruise bars after work. Nothing wrong with that. Long as she turns up for work in the morning I don't care how many sailors she picks up.  
  
JERRY  
  
Listen, this is all a big mistake. It's not my fault.  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
Of course not. It's never your fault, I hear it from punks like you all the time. Responsibility? That's for squares. You see this badge? It says New York City Public Library. Looks like it's made outta tin, don't it?  
  
Well it is made out of tin. But it's what it stands for is important. It represents the United States of America. Uncle Sam. The Star Spangled Banner. Old Glory. Iwo Jima.The Battle of the Bulge. A Babe Ruth home run. JFK getting his brains splattered over Dealy Plaza. And you want to spit on this badge.  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't want to spit on your badge!I don't want to spit on anything.Look, Whatever the fine is I'll pay it. I just wanna get out of here.  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
Yeah. That's what I thought. Think you can buy your way out of anything. I saw a lot of that in the 60s. What's the busfare to Canada, Daddio? Hell no we won't go. Hey hey LBJ how many library books you deface today? Well your money's no good here, punk. I can't be bought. Nor can the New York City Public Library. You're going down, my friend. Tough love. You're gonna pay your debt to society with decent honest graft. Atten-shun!  
  
***  
  
INT. THE IVY.  
  
GEORGE AND JILL.  
  
JILL  
  
You're an architect? Elaine didn't mention that.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Didn't she? Intimidated, poor girl.  
  
JILL  
  
Have you always been an achitect?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I was a marine biologist for a short while. But it didn't work out. You seen one fish you seen 'em all.  
  
JILL  
  
Would I know any of your architechtural designs?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Possibly. You know the new Lourve extension?  
  
JILL  
  
The Lourve? In Paris, France? You designed that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No. But I saw a photograph of it once. It was okay. If you like flashy. Me, I prefer good old bricks and mortar. Four solid walls.  
  
JILL  
  
And windows.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Of course, windows. Very important windows.  
  
JILL  
  
For seeing out.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well naturally for seeing out. I was thinking more anaesthetically.  
  
JILL  
  
You mean aesthetically?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Whatever.  
  
JILL  
  
Did you design the apartment building where you live?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Parts of it, yes. Mainly my room. The layout of the...chairs. And so forth.  
  
JILL  
  
I'd love to see it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well the night is still young. Listen, I've got to visit the rest room. Feel free to order dessert. Try and keep it under 20 bucks, this place is a rip off joint.  
  
GEORGE LEAVES.  
  
HIS DIARY IS LEFT ON THE TABLE.  
  
JILL NOTICES THE DIARY AND PICKS IT UP.  
  
***  
  
ITN. NYC LIBRARY.  
  
JERRY AND KRAMER ARE DRESSED IN BRIGHT ORANGE COVERALLS, THE KIND CONVICTS WEAR. THEY ARE SWEEPING THE FLOORS.  
  
JERRY  
  
Newman! Newman! When I get hold of that---  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, I found a quarter. My lucky day.  
  
JERRY  
  
You call this your lucky day? D'you know how big this place is? We're gonna be sweeping it forever.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Tell you what,buddy. Let's split up. I'll go do Reference A-j. You handle Fiction G-M. We'll meet in Biography R-Z.  
  
KRAMER LEAVES.  
  
JERRY  
  
Newman! Newman!  
  
JERRY'S PARENTS ENTER.  
  
MA  
  
Jerry? Omigod, what are you doing?  
  
JERRY  
  
Ma? What are you doing here?  
  
PA   
  
Elaine told us you'd be at the library. Son, is the best job you could find - a janitor?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not a janitor! It's a long story, but there's this library cop who hates my guts. He won't let me pay a fine. He says I gotta work it off sweeping floors.  
  
MA  
  
Oh Jerry, you can't afford a library fine? I'm going to write you a cheque for a thousand dollars right now.  
  
JERRY  
  
Ma, I don't need your money. Go on home. I'll be finished in a few hours.  
  
BOOKMAN ENTERS  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
You slacking off, Seinfeld? Put your back into it. You're going nowhere till this place is spotless.  
  
PA  
  
Hey, you can't treat my son like this. Whatever the fine is we'll be happy to pay it.  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
Oh you will, huh?  
  
***  
  
INT. THE IVY.  
  
GEORGE RETURNS FROM THE LOO TO FIND JILL PUTTING ON HER COAT.  
  
GEORGE  
  
We leaving already? I haven't had dessert.You know, they'll add it to the bill.  
  
JILL  
  
(COLDLY) I'm leaving. I don't care about you.  
  
GEORGE NOTICES OPEN DIARY  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh no! You didn't read my diary, did you?  
  
JILL  
  
You're a sick sick man.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Listen, that's all lies. A pack of lies. I didn't do any of those things.I'm not even a architect. And I can barely touch my toes.  
  
GEORGE MAKES FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO TOUCH HIS TOES.  
  
JILL  
  
So you're not a pervert, just a liar?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Exactly. I'm a liar. My whole life is one long lie. I'm famous for it. Ask any of my friends. I'm drowning in dishonesty. And any schmuck can be a pervert. A liar takes years of practice and dedication, twisting every fibre of my being in to one tight knot of unrelenting deceit.  
  
JILL  
  
Goodbye, George. (LEAVES)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wait. You didn't tell me where to send your half of the cheque.  
  
***  
  
INT. NYC LIBRARY.  
  
JERRY AND HIS FATHER AND MOTHER ARE ALL IN ORANGE COVERALLS, SWEEPING.  
  
PA  
  
You can't do this to us. I'm Morty Seinfeld. I was big in raincoats.  
  
MA  
  
Jerry's a good boy. Tell him you're a good boy, Jerry.  
  
BOOKMAN  
  
Less talking more sweeping.  
  
PA  
  
Some family reunion this turned out to be.  
  
***  
  
INT. SUPERMARKET.  
  
ELAINE IS PUSHING A SHOPPING TROLLEY. ACROSS THE AISLES SHE SPOTS THE HANDSOME GUY.  
  
SHE DASHES TO THE COFFEE AISLE. IT'S FULL OF COLOMBIAN ORGANIC DARK ROAST. SHE LOADS THEM INTO THE TROLLEY - ALL SAVE ONE.   
  
HANDSOME GUY REACHES FOR THE LAST JAR, AS DOES ELAINE.  
  
GUY  
  
Oh excuse me. Hey, you again!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yup. Little ol' me again. Haha.  
  
GUY  
  
This is quite a coincidence.  
  
ELAINE  
  
It IS quite a coincidence. That's exactly what it is - a coincidence.  
  
GUY  
  
Well this time the last jar's yours.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No,no. You take it.  
  
GUY  
  
I insist. Please.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Sa-aa-ay, why don't we share it? Come back to my place I'll make ya the best cup of coffee you ever tasted.  
  
GUY  
  
Okay, you're on. (NOTICES ELAINES'S TROLLEY) Hey, what's that in your trolley?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? No,no it's nothing. Really.  
  
GUY  
  
You were going to buy every last jar of Colombian Dark Roast in the store? What kind of greedy person does that?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, no, you don't understand.  
  
GUY  
  
Oh I understand perfectly. You're a mean selfish human being. Enjoy your coffee. I hope you choke on it.(LEAVES)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Wait. Wait. The code....the code....you broke the code. You broke the co-oo-de....And my signals. You missed my signals.  
  
ELAINE PAUSES. LOOKS AROUND. SHE REMEMBERS JERRY'S ADVICE. SHE PUTS HER HAND UP, LIKE SHE'S HAILING A TAXICAB.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Man?  
  
THE END  
  
***  
  
Enjoy the script? Post a review at fanfiction.net  
  
And check out my other stuff, including more Seinfeld, Will and Grace, Friends and Harry Potter fanfics. 


End file.
